Some more standup jokes

Here are some more jokes from my old stand up days (some contain adult language and can be perceived as offensive, you are warned):

A coworker once said to me, "You know, sometimes I'm just so smart!"  And I said, "What about the other 95% of the time?"

My mother and I were talking one day and digging into each other when a friend of mine said, "You two should really take your act on the road."  I said, "We could call it 'Grat and the Bat!"  My mother was less than pleased.

My wisdom teeth are coming in.  My mouth hurts so much I just want to rip all of my teeth out.  My mouth hurts worse than a cheerleader's after the football team's pool party.

I was ordering lunch one day at work and I asked myself out loud, "What should I have for dinner?"  A co worker said, "Grim death."  I said, "Mmmm, yes.  But how do I put that into sandwich form?"

I can't wait to be famous.  That way when people recognize me I won't have to tell them I'm a level 1 sex offender.

I'm not afraid to admit it.  I like Lady Gaga.  She has really catchy hooks, great beats, and
music you can dance to.  She's like Madonna with a bigger dick.


I'm pretty sure that was my entire first set that I ever performed.  I went well I guess.  I think I might try stand up again some time soon.  I miss the rush.  I just hope my kid keeps doing well so I can.

Old Standup Jokes

Here are some stand up jokes I wrote a while back.  I haven't performed in 2 years but I came across my old notebook:

A friend of mine once told me, “You’ll never believe who just called me.”  I said, “Bigfoot? Because if it’s a person, any person on the face of the Earth, I can believe that they called you.  Even people without hands can make a phone call… You were wrong in your assessment of my ability to believe you.” 

He said, “God.”

I said, “I hope he has free roaming or else his bill will be very high.”  There are no cell phone towers in heaven or else we’d hear about it.  Even if Belinda Carlisle was correct I don’t believe any telephone company has a contract with heaven.  That would be a very good selling point. 

“At At&t, you can call heaven!  You can speak to Steve Jobs from your Iphone!  They have a direct transfer to hell.”

Writing Exercises

I am now going to be using this site as a way to work on my creative writing.  I plan on writing about a multitude of topics but at first I will focus on some memories from my past that still stick with me.  Many of them are funny, at least to me, and I hope anyone who reads this will enjoy them.  I imagine it will probably only be me but it helps just to write something down.  And this way I can feel as though I have created something for the world to consume which is an important way the world judges your worth.  I suggest reading the Cracked.com article about 4 hard truths that will help you improve your life.  It is a great article and truly inspiring.  Feel free to leave any critiques or thoughts in the comments so I know what to improve on.  Here I go!

Warrior Without a Face - Delusion

This is JYD's rendition of Delusion. He hasn't quite completed the face but the body is pretty much what I thought of.

Warrior without a Face Concept Art 3: Hostility

This is JYD's rendition of Hostility. He really did a great job capturing what I wanted in this character. Hostility is supposed to symbolize hated and anger and I wanted his armor to depict that. When I originally thought of this idea, I pictured the armor being black obsidian with orange red veins. This pictures captures that spirit, but I want to make this comic in black and white.

Warrior Concept Art 2

This is another drawing of the Warrior. It has more detail as far as what he would typically wear. I imagine him more of a pauper/humble person. Thanks to JYD for all of these designs.

Warrior Concept Art

Here is the first picture of the Warrior without a Face. This is the basic design that really captures what I thought the warrior would look like in my head.
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