Some more standup jokes

Here are some more jokes from my old stand up days (some contain adult language and can be perceived as offensive, you are warned):

A coworker once said to me, "You know, sometimes I'm just so smart!"  And I said, "What about the other 95% of the time?"

My mother and I were talking one day and digging into each other when a friend of mine said, "You two should really take your act on the road."  I said, "We could call it 'Grat and the Bat!"  My mother was less than pleased.

My wisdom teeth are coming in.  My mouth hurts so much I just want to rip all of my teeth out.  My mouth hurts worse than a cheerleader's after the football team's pool party.

I was ordering lunch one day at work and I asked myself out loud, "What should I have for dinner?"  A co worker said, "Grim death."  I said, "Mmmm, yes.  But how do I put that into sandwich form?"

I can't wait to be famous.  That way when people recognize me I won't have to tell them I'm a level 1 sex offender.

I'm not afraid to admit it.  I like Lady Gaga.  She has really catchy hooks, great beats, and
music you can dance to.  She's like Madonna with a bigger dick.


I'm pretty sure that was my entire first set that I ever performed.  I went well I guess.  I think I might try stand up again some time soon.  I miss the rush.  I just hope my kid keeps doing well so I can.