Fever Dreams of My Childhood

Just a suggestion to all of the baby calendar makers: if you are going to make us use stickers, please make the stickers easy to remove. I called that son of a whore teddy bear on the front every name I could think of and I don't feel bad about it. Every time I look at my half ripped or crinkled stickers I get filled with blinding rage... it's at this point that my father says, "You never were very good at stickers," and then my mind goes blank.  I think, you never fail to remind me of that dad. I know you, your father, and his father before that were national sticker placing champions but that doesn't mean I'm a failure, like you always say! I remember you'd come by when I was placing stickers and if they were 2 degrees askew, just 2 and you would measure, you'd say, "amateurish", look me dead in the eyes with that cold heartless stare of yours and rip it in half, never taking your serial killer-esque stare from my eyes. But not me. Not me dad! The cycle ends now! My son will be allowed to have his stickers more than the nationally accepted 1.9 degree acceptable variance range. And there is nothing you can say about it! The cycle ends now dad! IT ENDS NOW!

Halloweentown

Since it is the beginning of October and my wife and I both love Halloween, I thought it would be fun to write a short little story about some characters I have been messing around with.  I have some concept art drawn but my niece has my sketch book for the moment but I might post them on here some time in the future.  The main characters of this story would continue on in other stories.  Like I said, I love Halloween and want to create a web series that would be kid friendly but have some hidden adult humor in it like the Animaniacs or Tiny Toon Adventures shows of my youth.  I know I want to add more humor and better jokes to this story but here is the first draft of the story:

It was a hot and sunny day in Halloweentown.  It was a place like any other small town.  The locals walked around its beautiful streets waving to each other as they passed.  Mr. Bones, the general store owner, swept the front porch of his store.  Esmeralda the witch cleaned the windows of her shop while her bats flew around her head. 

Three of the town’s children, Billy the ghost, Charisma the demon, and Ike the pumpkin head, played catch with Ike's detachable head.  His body ran from Billy to Charisma trying to grab it before they could throw it back. They all laughed.  Ike finally caught his head and they started walking around the town.  

They came across a young zombie who looked like he was lost.  "Can I help you find something?" Billy asks.  

"Brains!" the zombie replied.  

"Brains, huh?" Charisma asked.  

"Brains!" the zombie repeated.  

"I'm not sure where to find some but I think Mr. Bones might have some in his store," Billy suggested.

They all agreed and headed toward Mr. Bones' general goods.  Mr. Bones’ General Goods was the local store that had everything a monster could ask for.  It had your everyday items like grain, cereal, and milk as well as specialty items like such as fresh blood for vampires, anti-itch cream for werewolves, and bleach for skeletons so they could keep their bones nice and white.  Mr. Bones was a tall skeleton, a little over six feet, and had a pleasant demeanor.  He knew everybody by name and had most of his patrons orders memorized by heart.  He always wore his brimmed hat and apron that said, "Mr. Bones’s General Goods: if we don't have it, you don't need it”.  He greeted the children with his boney smile.  "How’s it going today children?" he asked.  

"Not good Mr. Bones," said Billy.  

"What’s wrong?" Mr. Bones asked.  

"Our zombie friend here can't find any brains," Charisma said.

"Brains?!" Mr. Bones asked.

"Brains," repeated the zombie.

"Let me check if I have any on the shelf." Mr. Bones came out from behind the counter and looked. "None here," he said.  "Let me check in back."  He went to the back of the store to look.  He came back empty handed. “Sorry, nothing in the back either."

Billy looked at Ike, Charisma, and the zombie trying to come up with a plan.  

"You should speak with Esmeralda the witch at her shop. She normally has more... Let's say eccentric items," Mr. Bones suggested.  

"Let’s go!" said Ike.

"Brains," said the zombie. So they headed to Esmeralda's Emporium.  

They approached the boutique after a short walk down the road. Esmeralda's was a quaint little store filled with what you would expect in a witch's store.  Eyes of newts, snips, snails, and other ingredients filled the shelves. Esmeralda was a portly but kind witch. She had a big nose, little black eyes, and black straw like hair.  She welcomed the motley crew into her store with a smile.

"Hey gang, how can I help you?"

Without hesitation, the zombie said, "Brains!" and the other three concurred.

"Hmmm...," Esmeralda thought as she put her fingers to her extended chin.  "I'm afraid I'm fresh out.  Sold the last one just yesterday."  The gang sighed.  "Sorry."

They left the store deflated.  They walked down the street thinking about where they could find a brain for the zombie when they passed by the local school.  Billy stopped and thought, "Hmmm, I wonder..." and brought the zombie inside.

9 months later, the zombie walked out of the school screaming, "Hey guys guess what! I have a brain!" Billy, Charisma, and Ike couldn't have been prouder.

Box Elder Bugs

Today I am battle a nasty foe.  We have a massive infestation of box elder bugs.  These evil things are swarming around my side door so bad that we have abandoned any idea of using it even though it is easier for us to get to our cars that way.  I have sprayed the whole house with a dawn and water mix but they seemed to have multiplied.  Every time I would spray they would launch themselves at me and I would imagine screaming in their non-existent language, "FOR THE HOARD!!!!".  I hate these things because now I feel like they are crawling all over me.  I'm going back to fight round 2 in a little bit after I clean my steps of their fallen brothers.  I will win this war I promise.  I have no idea why they even exist other than to annoy me in the fall.  Last year it was earwigs so it could be worse.

Some more standup jokes

Here are some more jokes from my old stand up days (some contain adult language and can be perceived as offensive, you are warned):

A coworker once said to me, "You know, sometimes I'm just so smart!"  And I said, "What about the other 95% of the time?"

My mother and I were talking one day and digging into each other when a friend of mine said, "You two should really take your act on the road."  I said, "We could call it 'Grat and the Bat!"  My mother was less than pleased.

My wisdom teeth are coming in.  My mouth hurts so much I just want to rip all of my teeth out.  My mouth hurts worse than a cheerleader's after the football team's pool party.

I was ordering lunch one day at work and I asked myself out loud, "What should I have for dinner?"  A co worker said, "Grim death."  I said, "Mmmm, yes.  But how do I put that into sandwich form?"

I can't wait to be famous.  That way when people recognize me I won't have to tell them I'm a level 1 sex offender.

I'm not afraid to admit it.  I like Lady Gaga.  She has really catchy hooks, great beats, and
music you can dance to.  She's like Madonna with a bigger dick.


I'm pretty sure that was my entire first set that I ever performed.  I went well I guess.  I think I might try stand up again some time soon.  I miss the rush.  I just hope my kid keeps doing well so I can.

Old Standup Jokes

Here are some stand up jokes I wrote a while back.  I haven't performed in 2 years but I came across my old notebook:

A friend of mine once told me, “You’ll never believe who just called me.”  I said, “Bigfoot? Because if it’s a person, any person on the face of the Earth, I can believe that they called you.  Even people without hands can make a phone call… You were wrong in your assessment of my ability to believe you.” 

He said, “God.”

I said, “I hope he has free roaming or else his bill will be very high.”  There are no cell phone towers in heaven or else we’d hear about it.  Even if Belinda Carlisle was correct I don’t believe any telephone company has a contract with heaven.  That would be a very good selling point. 

“At At&t, you can call heaven!  You can speak to Steve Jobs from your Iphone!  They have a direct transfer to hell.”

Writing Exercises

I am now going to be using this site as a way to work on my creative writing.  I plan on writing about a multitude of topics but at first I will focus on some memories from my past that still stick with me.  Many of them are funny, at least to me, and I hope anyone who reads this will enjoy them.  I imagine it will probably only be me but it helps just to write something down.  And this way I can feel as though I have created something for the world to consume which is an important way the world judges your worth.  I suggest reading the Cracked.com article about 4 hard truths that will help you improve your life.  It is a great article and truly inspiring.  Feel free to leave any critiques or thoughts in the comments so I know what to improve on.  Here I go!