Some more standup jokes

Here are some more jokes from my old stand up days (some contain adult language and can be perceived as offensive, you are warned):

A coworker once said to me, "You know, sometimes I'm just so smart!"  And I said, "What about the other 95% of the time?"

My mother and I were talking one day and digging into each other when a friend of mine said, "You two should really take your act on the road."  I said, "We could call it 'Grat and the Bat!"  My mother was less than pleased.

My wisdom teeth are coming in.  My mouth hurts so much I just want to rip all of my teeth out.  My mouth hurts worse than a cheerleader's after the football team's pool party.

I was ordering lunch one day at work and I asked myself out loud, "What should I have for dinner?"  A co worker said, "Grim death."  I said, "Mmmm, yes.  But how do I put that into sandwich form?"

I can't wait to be famous.  That way when people recognize me I won't have to tell them I'm a level 1 sex offender.

I'm not afraid to admit it.  I like Lady Gaga.  She has really catchy hooks, great beats, and
music you can dance to.  She's like Madonna with a bigger dick.


I'm pretty sure that was my entire first set that I ever performed.  I went well I guess.  I think I might try stand up again some time soon.  I miss the rush.  I just hope my kid keeps doing well so I can.

Old Standup Jokes

Here are some stand up jokes I wrote a while back.  I haven't performed in 2 years but I came across my old notebook:

A friend of mine once told me, “You’ll never believe who just called me.”  I said, “Bigfoot? Because if it’s a person, any person on the face of the Earth, I can believe that they called you.  Even people without hands can make a phone call… You were wrong in your assessment of my ability to believe you.” 

He said, “God.”

I said, “I hope he has free roaming or else his bill will be very high.”  There are no cell phone towers in heaven or else we’d hear about it.  Even if Belinda Carlisle was correct I don’t believe any telephone company has a contract with heaven.  That would be a very good selling point. 

“At At&t, you can call heaven!  You can speak to Steve Jobs from your Iphone!  They have a direct transfer to hell.”